Pointing your finger and wishing someone would change is causing your own suffering. Sure, you can guide someone to better behavior but they must be willing and able, as in at the level of awareness where they can grasp what you are asking for and have an interest in improving. The issue is when someone doesn't want to change or simply can't see they even need to. If that's the case, you are going to keep banging your head against the wall until you figure out that you can walk around it. The key to walking around it is to stop trying to change them and instead focus all of your energy on how you show up in response.
I could list 10 things I wished were different about my mother but she's not interested in changing. The only thing I can therefore change is my reaction to her behavior. The way I did that was by staying focussed on how I want to show up. I want to be patient and loving no matter what she is doing. That feels peaceful and wise to me.
I must stay connected to my inner peace and remain radically accepting of her level of awareness. She’s doing her best. I can’t expect more from her. In fact, buddhism teaches that as the root of our suffering… expectations of things being different than they are. When you radically accept what is… you find peace.
That doesn’t mean she gets to shit all over me. That just means I let go of needing her to be different and instead see her disfunction as my opportunity to practice my desired virtues… patience, compassion, kindness.
I always have the choice of staying peaceful when I’m in control of my thoughts and don’t allow my inner dialogue to be taken over by my childhood programming.
Staying connected to who I want to be around her… a loving peaceful human being… creates the ambiance for a loving respectful relationship.
Check out my Trigger Ridder Training for more help with controlling your reactions to triggering people. It changed my life! I know it will yours too!
Lots of love,